What Is Cougar Dating?

What the word cougar means

Dictionaries agree on the basics. Cambridge describes a cougar as an older woman who has relationships with younger men, and Oxford gives much the same definition. Both label the word informal, and Oxford adds that it is often offensive. That warning is worth taking seriously. Used as a sneer, it is. Used by the women themselves, as it is on Local Cougars, it means something else entirely: a woman who is confident, independent and clear about the kind of man she enjoys.

The slang sense is usually traced to Canada in the late 1990s, and it spread through television and dating sites in the 2000s. There is no fixed age, but it is most often used for women in their late thirties and older who date men ten or fifteen years younger.

Cubs, toyboys and pumas

In Britain the older word for the man is toyboy. Oxford marks it as British and humorous: a man in a relationship with a much older partner. Cub is newer community slang for a younger man who dates cougars; no mainstream dictionary lists it yet, but you will see it on profiles. Puma is sometimes used for a woman in her thirties who dates younger men, a sort of cougar in training. None of these words are rules. Use the ones you like and ignore the rest.

How common are older woman, younger man couples?

More common than most people think. The Office for National Statistics counts the age gap of every couple who marry in England and Wales. In 2019, the latest year with that table, the woman was older than the man in about one marriage in four. In about one in sixteen she was five or more years older, and in a little under one in sixty she was ten or more years older. Couples where the man is ten or more years older are still about five times as common, but the older woman, younger man couple is hardly unusual, and that is before you count everyone who dates without marrying.

Why it works for so many people

Ask women on Local Cougars why they prefer younger men and the answers are remarkably consistent: energy, curiosity, fewer fixed habits, and men who are attracted to their confidence rather than threatened by it. Ask the men and you hear the mirror image: women who know what they want, say so, and are not playing games. Many women in their forties have their careers, homes and children sorted and want someone fun to enjoy life with. Many men in their twenties and thirties have always been drawn to older women and are tired of pretending otherwise.

Flings, regular dates and relationships

Cougar dating covers the whole range. For some it is casual: a younger man who makes her feel desired, an older woman who teaches him a thing or two. For others it is a regular date with no pressure to make it more. And for plenty it becomes a proper relationship. Research on Australian couples by Wang-Sheng Lee and Terra McKinnish, published in 2018, found that women married to younger husbands were particularly satisfied early on, though for couples with large age gaps in either direction that early advantage faded over the years. In other words, the age gap is neither the problem nor the solution. The two people are.

A little etiquette

Do not lead with her age, or his. She knows how old she is and chose a cougar site because she likes younger men; telling her she looks good for her age is not the compliment it sounds. Do not assume she wants to pay, or that he wants to be looked after. Say what you are looking for on your profile, and believe people when they tell you what they want. Our guides on how to meet older women and dating a younger man go further.

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